Lead Like You

CHAPTER 3Learning to dance in relationships

I have a long history of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men. It was hard to face the truth that they were just a mirror of my own emotional unavailability. For a long time, I was not emotionally available to myself, to my son or to others. I have eventually realised that if I am in a relationship with an unavailable man, rather than trying to change him, my focus needs to be on my own inner work. That is my pattern to heal.

I have worked with many highly successful women who have struggled, or are struggling, in their intimate relationships. The struggle often comes from a place of great unworthiness (perhaps a relationship where they are overly responsible and their partner under responsible or vice versa), which often creates a power imbalance and the use of control, subtle and not so subtle.

I don't pretend to be a professional expert in attachment theory, or the dynamics that play out as a result. However, I have worked closely with trained therapists in this area, and I have experienced and closely studied my own attachment dynamics. I want to give you a little more detail and point you in the direction of some resources should you want to explore this further for yourself. It has a huge impact on our relationship with ourselves and with others, as well as our ability to thrive in all areas of our lives, including at work. I have found enormous freedom, especially from self-judgement, by better understanding why I ...