Lead Like You

CHAPTER 14The art of being both soft and strong

I remember asking my therapist, ‘How do I look after myself and all that is important to me and still be gentle, soft, open and vulnerable?’

It seemed so inconceivable to me, especially as I had experienced abuse at the hands of men as a child, when I was gentle, soft and vulnerable. Soft hadn't felt like a safe place for me to live from. In fact, I spent my whole life trying to protect myself. And yet many of the ways I had found simply separated me from people: my judgement, money, work and busyness to name a few. And it's exhausting! I am so tired of trying to protect myself, when really what I want to do is simply surrender and trust others.

My therapist suggested that there is a difference between surrender and collapse. Surrendering to what life offers is about letting love in, letting myself love, being open and honest and vulnerable with those people I trust. It also includes respectfully speaking up, holding boundaries, letting people know when I feel hurt by their behaviour, while also accepting when life and love don't go my way. She suggested that I sounded more worried about going into collapse, which is where we allow or justify unacceptable behaviours, don't hold boundaries, don't speak up or respect ourselves, don't take responsibility for our own needs and actions, or are inauthentic. I think she was right.

Over time, slowly, gently, I have learnt to feel safe on the inside. To hold compassionate boundaries instead ...