Say More About That

27Keeping the Temperature Down in Tough Discussions

Sometimes we are going to speak up and it is going to set someone off. Next thing you know you have an angry person on your hands, and you are kicking yourself, saying, “I knew I should not have said anything!” Let's talk through what to do if you really upset someone.

First, don't beat yourself up. If you had good intentions and did not mean any harm, there is no reason to think, “I should not have said anything.” There are several examples in this book and in everyday life of the kinds of bad behaviors that can go unchecked if people do not say anything. There will be times you will say the wrong thing! While your good intentions do not grant forgiveness, they should help you get to the point of apologizing for your mistakes pretty quickly.

If you set someone off and it is because you said something inappropriate, you should apologize. We covered apologies in Chapter 4, Feedback. But as a quick reminder, a meaningful apology sounds like “I apologize for _____. Moving forward I will _____.” Sometimes you will need to say it more than once because when people are upset they do not hear you, and, because so few people really know how to apologize well, they likely don't expect a real apology. Keep your tone calm when you apologize; snarky apologies only irritate someone who is already upset. People may take some time to forgive you, but an apology sets things off in the right direction. It may take some time for you to earn ...