Chapter 9

Take This Exit

Payouts, Dividends, and Consequences

The founders of private-equity firms aren’t usually thought to be cheeky, but that’s just what the trio behind Carlyle went for in its 2011 corporate holiday greetings. In a video message sent in mid-December to the firm’s investors, Conway, D’Aniello, and Rubenstein “imagined” what would have happened had they not created Carlyle two decades earlier.1

Rubenstein turns up perched behind a lemonade stand, pitching kids on an opportunity to forego a simple cup in favor of becoming a limited partner in the stand. Conway sits in a telephone call center (a nod to his previous job at MCI), and D’Aniello sells pastries and coffee at Carlyle-owned Dunkin’ Donuts. While investors likely chuckled ...

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