The Pause Principle

CHAPTER 2The Pause Principle: SOFTEN

If our nervous system detects safety, then it’s no longer defensive.

—Stephen W. Porges

We are wired to react quickly, so when there’s a mistake with packaging, or someone isn’t doing their job, or a team member questions the value of a project or has a different opinion on strategy, or maybe it’s a clash over budgets or long overdue firing we pounce or are poised and ready to defend, attack, or shut down. We’re in survival mode, and our fists are clenched creating more challenges than providing much upside. This way of reacting is easy to do, because it’s natural for us; what’s more difficult is to do the opposite. To feel calm in situations where we feel attacked. This act of pausing isn’t something that just happens to us; it’s something we make happen, something we intentionally choose to do.

In 1994, Dr. Stephen Porges proposed the polyvagal theory, which links our autonomic nervous system to social behavior. Remember that the autonomic nervous system is what’s outside of our control and has two branches, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic systems. What he found was that when we experience feelings of safety, this keeps our autonomic nervous system out of states of defense. So if we can find a way to feel safe within difficult conversations, then we can move ourselves out of the stress response. The act of moving the body out of self-defense and into safety is the pause.

When we’re in survival mode, we’re like knights in armor. ...