The Pause Principle

CHAPTER 8Need to Say

Evidence is conclusive that your self-talk has a direct bearing on your performance.

—Zig Ziglar

We don’t know it, because it’s all happening so quickly, but the moment we feel that unpleasant sensation within us we’re thinking something, telling ourselves something. And usually what we’re telling ourselves is helping our bodies stay in their defensive mode, it’s helping us continue to feel threatened and under attack. Either we’re saying things to ourselves about ourselves that are hurtful or we’re on a roll with unhelpful thoughts about those we’re in the room with. The neat thing about our chemical makeup is that it all is here to help. If you were in a seriously dangerous situation these skeptical, judgmental, and apprehensive thoughts would be keeping you safe and protected; the problem, though, is in the office, these thoughts keep the body in a stressful state, which can move quickly into irrational behavior.

One of the biggest wants that people have when they start working with me is learning how to change their language during overwhelming moments. They want to learn how to say the right thing, to make sure the other person doesn’t react or get hurt. I usually let people know off the bat that they’re focusing on the wrong thing. The first and most important part is that they’re saying the right thing to themselves so they can keep their cool in these situations. Once they do that, then the right words come intuitively.

There’s a Grimms’ fairy ...