The Rules of Love

This Rule follows on nicely from the last one – and sex isn’t the

only reason not to rush to conclusions.

We’re all quite cautious about how much of ourselves we reveal

to other people. And in a new relationship, we’re going to do

our best to present the most positive things to our new partner.

You do it, I do it, everyone does it. It takes time to get to know

someone well, and for them to feel sufficiently confident in you

to drop their guard.

Of course, if this person is really as wonderful as you hope, the

things that get revealed later on won’t be a problem. I have a

friend whose partner is prone to depression. It was a few months

before he found the courage to tell her, given that he wasn’t

going through a depressed phase when they met. He is a great

bloke, and she was more than happy to take this on board and

help him cope with it. But someone else might have reacted dif-

ferently; if she was depressive herself, for example, it might have

been a much bigger problem.

The point is that you’re not going to find out for a good while if

your new partner is selfish, or controlling, or rude to your friends,

or hates most of the things you love, or is unsympathetic to your

hang-ups, or worse still is alcoholic, say, or abusive (which, as we

saw in Rule 9, isn’t going to change). Some of these things are

worth putting up with and some aren’t, but you can’t make that

decision until you know what you’re dealing with.

RULE 11

24

T H E R U L E S O F L O V E

Get to know someone

through all the

seasons before

making any major

decisions

A year is a perfectly reasonable length of time to ask someone to

wait before deciding to live together, get married, have kids, emi-

grate or to make any other big decisions. If your wonderful new

partner is putting on the pressure after a few months, just tell them

that this is your Rule: know someone through all the seasons before

making any major decisions. I know some people get frustrated

with partners who still won’t make a commitment after three or

four years, but that’s different. Asking for 12 months’ breathing

space is entirely reasonably and sensible, and you have every right

to gently insist on it.

If this is really the right person to be with, waiting 12 months to

decide your future will be well worth it. After all, what’s a year com-

pared with a lifetime? What’s the rush? Why not relax and have fun

before all that real life stuff starts piling on top of you?

RULE 11

25

R U L E S F O R F I N D I N G L O V E

IF THIS IS REALLY THE

RIGHT PERSON TO BE

WITH, WAITING 12 MONTHS

WILL BE WELL WORTH IT