The Rules of Love

I know a couple (well, I knew a couple – they’re not a couple

any more) who did everything separately. They occasionally

socialized together, but they also had lots of separate friends. He

gave up his job to train for a new career, and the training took

him away from home a couple of weekends a month. Whenever

he was home, she would be away working while he looked after

the kids. They hardly saw each other. He didn’t talk about his

training course to her, so she didn’t really know what was going

on in a large part of his life. Meanwhile he wouldn’t have any-

thing to do with her family because he didn’t get on with them,

and he didn’t have time anyway.

Well you know what happened. She had problems with a family

illness and he was no help, since he had no contact with them

and didn’t really understand the ramifications. Meanwhile he

was getting increasingly involved with all his friends on his new

course, none of whom she had met. Inevitably there was a final

straw which drove them apart. I suppose the only consolation

was that they barely noticed when they split – it didn’t change

much. No, that’s not fair, it was a very painful divorce but you

know what I mean.

If you’re not involved in your partner’s life, what are you there

for? How can you help them through problems when you don’t

know the people involved, or celebrate successes when you

don’t understand the background? You can’t just opt out of parts

of their life because you’re not interested. In the end the course

of events will opt you both out of each other’s lives entirely if

you do that.

RULE 39

84

T H E R U L E S O F L O V E

Be part of their life

RULE 39

85

R E L A T I O N S H I P R U L E S

I’m not saying you have to live in each other’s pockets. Of course

you can have your own interests and your own friends. In fact

it’s no bad thing to have something to talk to each other about,

which can be hard if you spend all your time together. But you

need to have some contact with as much of each other’s lives as

you can. Turn up to that office do, however ghastly you think it

will be, so that next time your partner talks about colleagues,

you’ll know who they are. Make sure you meet your partner’s

friends from time to time at least, and that you have some

involvement with their family.

Separate hobbies and interests are fine, but even if you don’t

want to get involved while your partner rebuilds that car from

scratch, at least be around to watch them take it out for a run

the first time. If you don’t want to try your hand at breeding

guinea pigs I quite understand, but at least try to learn their

names, and go along to the odd guinea pig show (or whatever it

is they do). You’ll both benefit so much from being a part of

each other’s lives, so be there for the highs and lows even if you

skip some of the bits in the middle.

IF YOU’RE NOT INVOLVED

IN YOUR PARTNER‘S

LIFE, WHAT ARE YOU

THERE FOR?