Use Your Difference to Make a Difference

18Finding Mutual Purpose and Shared Meaning

Remember the basketball story I shared at the beginning of this book? The one that saw me, as a Nigerian, mix with my Dutch, American, Cameroonian, and Taiwanese teammates?

Well, our mutual purpose was winning. That was what we were working toward. All our differences and abilities were working together to serve that purpose: winning.

It's the same thing with communication. Whether you are communicating to speak up or you are communicating with someone who has different values from you, your goal should always be to find mutual purpose and shared meaning. No matter who we are and how at odds we are, there is something that we all share regardless of the cultures we come from: our desire to be seen, heard, understood, and accepted for who we really are. So how do you get started?

Identify Your Feelings

You can get started by scoping out the issues, examining your motives, and painting the big picture. Whenever you find yourself in a tense situation with someone you don't agree with, look inward and ask yourself the following questions:

• What do I really want the outcome of this conversation to be?
• How do I want to comport myself as I have this conversation?
• What do I want from the other party in this conversation?
• What do I want from the relationship moving forward?

Got it? After all that, ask yourself this:

• How will I behave if I really want these results?

This ensures that we stay focused on our goals and not on our ego or pride. ...