You Can Change Other People

CHAPTER 10HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO HELP: SILVER PLATTER OPPORTUNITIES

Before trying to help someone, you need permission to have a conversation in the first place.

Remember: People don't resist change. They resist being changed.

When you begin helping someone who hasn't asked for help or agreed to it, they will feel that you're trying to change them. And they'll resist. Maybe not overtly, especially if you have power over them (you're their boss, for example). And you may not notice it right away—resistance often shows up only after the conversation, when they don't follow through on your suggestions.

When you ask for permission to help, on the other hand, you're handing them control. Whether or not they change is up to them, not you. When they say, “Yes, I'd like to have this conversation with you,” that's the pivotal moment they begin to take accountability.

As managers, leaders, and parents we often try to “hold people accountable” after they've already failed to follow through. But that's too late. We need to help people “take accountability” in the first place so that they follow through.

That's why our first move is to ask permission to have the conversation.

You may be the world's greatest coach, consultant, adviser, strategist, or motivator, but if you don't receive permission from the person you want to help, you've doomed the effort to failure. On the flip side, you may be a beginner in the art of helping, but if you have their permission, your odds of success are ...