You Can Change Other People

CHAPTER 19QUESTION 1: WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?: EXPLORE THE PROBLEM IN DEPTH

Why, you might be wondering, do we wait until Step 3 to explore the problem in depth?

Because before now, the answer would have been haphazard, rambling, and misleading.

Here's why: Before, when your partner was focused on the problem, they would have described what's happening in relation to the problem they thought they had.

Now though? We can guide them to describe what's happening in relation to the outcome they want. That could not happen before clarifying the outcome.

Your goal is to collect data (the facts of the situation), as well as get your partner's perspective on that data. Essentially, you want to see what they see and how they see it. This will give you the basic shape of the situation, help you empathize with their point of view, and begin to explore where and how their interpretation of that situation is getting in the way of the outcome they want.

A reminder I can't share often enough: Keep your empathy level high here (without taking on their emotions as your own).

When people describe their unsatisfactory situations, they can get down on themselves. Sometimes they express this as self-criticism, and sometimes they project it outward, blaming others for the situation. The more you build rapport—understanding without judging and being the ally who believes in their capabilities and positive intentions—the less defensive they will become. This is important because, as we've seen, defensiveness ...