Dance Lessons

8

Three

Partnering

Drills

P

will inevitably be made in the early stages of any

relationship. In a partnership trial performance,

mistakes have only one important consequence:

growth. A rehearsal brings the most likely mis-

takes to the attention of all, creating an opportu-

nity to clarify goals, negotiate agreements, and

review protocols. A rehearsal is a testing ground

for creative interpretation, collaborative discov-

ery, and fine tuning.

Healthy relationships take time for learning

and relationship building. Too often, alliances are

formed prematurely over a quick cup of coffee

and get practiced on the run. Proper relationship

building takes quality time. As an entertainment

industry client of Heather’s puts it:

113

PARTNERSHIPS, LIKE DANCES, NEED REHEARSALS. MISTAKES

LESSON

114 STEP THREE: REHEARSING

After you decide you’re going to partner, it’s important

to decide how you will govern or manage the partner-

ship. The really successful partnerships set up the

discipline ahead of time—things like what reports do

we produce each month, how often do we meet, how

do we judge success. . . . Good partnerships are well

managed from the start.

Once the decisions are made about what to do, the part-

nership needs to learn how to do those things well and effec-

tively. This requires the use of relationship tools. We will

outline below three of the tools that we have found crucial in

practicing the dance of partnership: dramatic listening, pro -

ductive dialogue, and giving advice.

Keep in mind that these “how to” tools are effective only

if the “what to dos” have been agreed upon. If the big picture

goals are unclear, if the agreements or cues have not been

negotiated, if feedback is not valued, or if you disagree on the

bedrock basics, all manner of partnership work will be for

naught.

Partnering Drill #1:

Dramatic Listening

Most partners can be great

listeners. Let their eight-year-old come crying about a neigh-

borhood conflict, and you’ll see great listening. Zero in on a

quiet corner conversation in the funeral home during the wake

of a friend, and you’ll see great listening.

How do great partners avoid the everyday distractions that

get in the way of dedicated listening? Effective listeners don’t

start doing anything special—they just stop doing something

normal. Dramatic listening has less to do with communication

management than with noise management.

Great partners get focused and stay focused. When listen-

ing is their goal, they make it the priority. When a partner needs

you to listen, pretend you just got a gift of five minutes with

your greatest hero. Think about it! If you could have only ten

minutes with Moses, Mozart, Mother Teresa, or a loved one

who has passed away, would there be anything or anyone who

could intrude on that precious time?

Listening done well is complete absorption. The mission

is to be so crystal clear on the other person’s message that it

becomes a “copy and paste” command from one brain’s com-

puter screen to another’s. Perhaps the expression “meeting of

the minds” should be changed to “joining of the minds.”

When your partner asks, “How would you . . . ?” get her

to tell you what she would do before offering your opinion.

When your partner voices a frustration or concern, before

delivering an answer, try to communicate through your actions

that her message got through, especially when the answer is

likely to be different from the one she thought she was going

to get.

Partnering Drill #2:

Productive Dialogue

Think back on the conversa-

tions you have had that you most valued. Consider the elements

that made those conversations or dialogues positive and pro-

ductive ones. There were probably several: People who valued

each other’s view, even if the views were different. All parties

participating in the give-and-take, listening to each participant

and keeping the dialogue focused. What was the result?

Closure. Issues were resolved, understanding was reached,

learning occurred. These three components—valuing, give-

and-take, and closure—are the basis of fruitful discussions in

great partnerships.

THREE PARTNERING DRILLS 115