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Direct Your Own Damn Movie! by Lloyd Kaufman

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Chapter | one

 Joining the Army 

of One

Rule #1 of film directing:

It is okay to drown newborn kittens, so long as they have not yet opened their eyes.

“Alright everybody,” I yell into my small, battery-operated bullhorn. “Let's get into first position!”*

It is the summer of 1982. My trusty crew and I are filming a particularly steamy scene for The First Turn-On!, a film notable for featuring both Vincent D'Onofrio and Penthouse Pet Sheila Kennedy in their first on-screen roles.1 The scene is a tantalizing sex romp between two attractive young actor-persons who are rolling around in the hay of a goat shit-filled barn. Lacking adequate electricity to power our light kit, we are relying entirely on two bounce cards,2 which we have carefully duct ...

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