Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War

Table of contents

1. Copyright
   1. Dedication
2. More Praise for Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War
3. Acknowledgments
4. Introduction
   1. Applying Conflict Management Techniques to Any Problem
5. One. The Emotional-Rational-Intuitive (E-R-I) Method
   1. 1. Managing Conflict with the E-R-I Model
      1. Using the E-R-I Method for Conquering Conflict
      2. How the E-R-I Conflict Management Model Works
   2. 2. Dealing with the Emotions
      1. When Someone Else Is Upset
         1. Learning to Listen Calmly
         2. Showing That You’re Sorry
         3. Walking Away or Delaying
      2. When You Are the One Who’s Upset
         1. Calming Yourself Down
            1. Notice When You Are Feeling Angry or Upset
            2. Stop or Hold Back Your Feelings of Anger or Upset When You Feel the Signs
            3. Remove Yourself from the Anger-Provoking or Upsetting Situation or Person
   3. 3. Using Your Reason
      1. What Is Causing the Conflict?
      2. Knowing the Appropriate Strategies to Use
         1. Using the Five Conflict Styles and Choosing Which Ones to Apply When
      3. Knowing When to Use Different Styles
         1. Competitive/Confrontational Style
         2. Avoiding Style
         3. Accommodating Style
         4. Collaborative Style
         5. Compromising Style
      4. Taking into Consideration Your Own Style and That of Others
      5. Other Considerations
   4. 4. Working with Your Intuition
      1. Brainstorming and Creative Problem-Solving
      2. Using Visualization to Choose a Conflict Resolution Style
      3. Using Your Gut Feelings or Sense of Knowing to Decide What to Do
      4. Section One Summary—The E-R-I Model
6. Two. Handling the Emotions
   1. 5. Recognizing the Reasons for a Conflict
      1. Understanding Basic Needs and Wants
      2. Recognizing Needs and Fears
      3. Meeting Mutual Needs
      4. Discovering Hidden Needs and Fears
      5. Putting the Other’s Needs First
      6. Summing Up
   2. 6. Dealing with Your Own Angers and Fears
      1. Releasing Anger
         1. Letting Go of Your Anger
            1. Getting Rid of the Anger by Grounding It Out
            2. Getting Rid of the Anger by Projecting It Out and Eliminating It
            3. Cleansing Your Energy to Shake Off Your Anger
            4. Releasing the Anger by Cutting the Other Person Down to Size
            5. Getting Rid of Your Anger by Learning from the Situation
         2. Protecting Yourself from Negative People
         3. Learning to Let Go of Difficult Relationships
         4. Learning Not to Take It Personally
         5. Gain Some Mental Justice
      2. Overcoming Fears and Inner Conflicts
         1. Recognizing Your Fear Barriers
         2. Determining If Your Fears Are Rational
         3. Eliminating Your Fears
         4. Affirm Your Fear Is Gone and Congratulate Yourself
      3. Applying This Process to Other Negative Feelings
   3. 7. Avoiding the Responsibility Trap
      1. The Problem of Not Taking Responsibility
         1. What You Can Do
      2. The Problem of Taking Too Much Responsibility
         1. The Parent-Child Pattern
      3. Common Situations Involving Taking On Too Much Responsibility
      4. Getting Out of the Responsibility Trap
         1. What to Do When You Are Accused of Not Doing Enough
         2. What to Do When You Feel the Other Person Isn’t Doing Enough
      5. What to Do if One Person Is Doing Too Much
         1. What to Do if You Are Doing Too Much
         2. What to Do if You Feel the Other Person Is Doing Too Much
      6. Putting It All Together
7. Three. Applying Your Reason
   1. 8. Overcoming Conflicts Through Better Communication
      1. The Discrepancy Between Nonverbal and Verbal Communication
      2. The Problem of Hidden or Wrong Assumptions
      3. The Problem of No Communication
      4. The Problem of Being Unclear
      5. Learning to Listen Well
      6. Expressing Your Own Feelings and Needs in a Nonthreatening Way
      7. Summing Up: Communicating to Conquer Conflict
   2. 9. Understanding the Different Conflict Styles
      1. Recognizing the Styles of Handling Conflict
         1. The Competitive Style
         2. The Avoiding Style
         3. The Accommodating Style
         4. The Collaborative Style
      2. The Compromising Style
      3. Recognizing Your Own Approach to Conflict
      4. Assessing Your Approach to Conflict
   3. 10. Choosing the Best Conflict Style
      1. Assessing the Balance of Power
      2. Recognizing Your Priorities
      3. Becoming Aware of Real Issues and Interests
      4. Being Aware of Your Options for Response
      5. Using a Series of Strategies to Deal with a Conflict
         1. Exercise #1: Visualization
         2. Exercise #2: Mapping Out Possibilities
   4. 11. Negotiating Win-Win Solutions
      1. When to Use Compromise or Collaboration
      2. Why Win-Win Solutions Are Possible
         1. Step 1: Get the Emotions Under Control
         2. Step 2: Agree on the Ground Rules
         3. Step 3: Clarify Your Positions
         4. Step 4: Explore Underlying Needs and Interests
            1. Ask Why the Other Person Chose That Position
            2. Ask Why Your Position Was Not Chosen
            3. Probe for Multiple Interests
            4. Talk about Your Own Interests and Needs
         5. Step 5: Generate Alternatives
            1. Suspend Judgment: Quantity Counts More than Quality
            2. Focus on the Future
            3. Remain Open to Different Alternatives
            4. Avoid Closing Off Possibilities Too Quickly
         6. Step 6: Agree on the Best Win-Win Options
            1. Help the Other Party Feel Comfortable Making Concessions
      3. Summing Up
   5. 12. Learning to Deal with Difficult People
      1. Who Are These Difficult People?
      2. Some General Principles for Dealing with Difficult People
         1. Work Through the Emotional Charges Triggered by a Difficult Person
         2. Think about Why the Difficult Person Is Being Difficult
         3. Using Communication to Get to the Root of the Difficulty
         4. Overcoming the Responsibility Trap with a Difficult Person
         5. Choosing the Style of Conflict to Suit the Difficult Person
      3. Dealing with Common Types of Difficult People
         1. The Steamroller/Sherman Tank Types
         2. The Undercover Attacker/Sniper Type
         3. The Angry Child/Exploder
         4. The Complainer
         5. The Quiet Clams and Silent Types
         6. Super-Agreeables Who Don’t Come Through
         7. Naysayers and Perennial Pessimists
         8. The Indecisives and Stallers
         9. Crazymakers
      4. Dealing with Other Difficult Types
      5. In Summary
8. Four. Using Your Intuition to Discover New Possibilities
   1. 13. Coming Up with Alternatives and Solutions
      1. Brainstorming
         1. Brainstorming on Your Own
         2. Brainstorming with Others
         3. Examples of Brainstorming
         4. Outcomes of Brainstorming
         5. Enhancing the Power of Brainstorming in Your Life
      2. Looking Within
         1. Visualization
         2. Getting Your Answer
         3. Getting Confirmation of Previous Advice or Current Plans
         4. Your Inner Expert Has Many Guises
   2. 14. Turning Your Conflicts into Creative Opportunities
      1. See What You Can Learn
         1. Going Within Yourself After Conflict
      2. Keeping Your Conflicts in Perspective
      3. Overcoming Negative Feelings
      4. Don’t Let Others Hold You Back
      5. Releasing Negative Feelings and Moving On
      6. Summing Up
9. About the Author