From Conflict to Convergence: Coming Together to Solve Tough Problems

CHAPTER 5Curiosity Is the Cure

We've discussed the value of recognizing that conflict can be constructive and the advantages of giving others the benefit of the doubt. It's not always easy to practice these mindsets. Many if not most of us have to work hard to see conflict as a positive and people on the other side of an issue as having intentions as good as our own. The best way to cure our instinctual pessimism, doubts we have about others, and fear of threats is to practice being curious.

For most of us, curiosity comes easily—that is, it comes easily when we're eager to learn more about something we want to understand. When we're internally motivated to know the answer to a question, it's a pleasure to seek out unknown information.

It's harder to be curious in the presence of conflict, particularly with people who push our buttons. When we feel even slightly threatened, we must make an active choice to be curious—to seek information about unfamiliar or seemingly alien people, their feelings, their concerns, and their motivations.

Yet being curious is necessary if you want to solve problems. Curiosity allows you to learn about and see other people's perspectives, which in turn creates the understanding, empathy, and insight necessary for problem-solving. If we treat other people as though they're irrational, selfish, or stupid, they aren't going to engage in problem-solving with us; we need to understand why their story makes as much sense to them as our story makes to us. ...