How I Rob Banks

Chapter 16I Can't Fly a Helicopter

My job is to help people make their businesses more secure, and my job involves doing a lot of very odd things that a lot of people will never get to do, from climbing down elevator shafts at a bank to kidnapping people. However, there is one assessment that sticks out in my mind above the others: the time I was asked if I could steal a helicopter.

That's right, a client asked me to steal their helicopter. I was unsure how to respond to this request; after all, it was a hospital, and it was a brand-new Airbus Eurocopter H145 they had purchased. I was unsure for several reasons. First, didn't I just mention it was a hospital? I don't like to disrupt any business continuity, let alone remove a vital lifesaving system.

Second, and probably even more pertinent, I have no idea how to fly a helicopter. I mean, it can't be that hard, right? But at that point in my life, I had never even been on a plane; I had a fear of flying. But I figured helicopters work in a similar fashion to planes—just in a more brute force beat-the-air-into-submission way than, say, gently gliding through the air. Taking off shouldn't be an issue; just go full Jeremy Clarkson, scream “POoooWEeeeeRrrrr!!!!” and throttle up until it moves. Landing might be trickier, but that's just controlled crashing: do it slowly enough, and any landing you walk away from is a good one, right? There would be the issue of the bill. They had just spent almost £16 million on the helicopter. ...