In Your Power

Introduction

“I can't sleep. I can't focus. It's like I'm under siege,” Mary shared.

“He's squeezing me out and trying to lower my ownership stake.” In her partnership group in a financial firm, Mary told me the senior partner started spreading rumors that she's a bully and the team is afraid of her. The young analysts joined in. She tried to speak to the offending partner, but he reacted with hostility, making the situation worse. She didn't feel she could get a fair response from the HR director or from their regional head because they were longtime buddies of his. She feared her only way out was to leave the firm. But that would be a big blow to her reputation, and why should she have to sacrifice all of the clientele she had worked for 20 years to establish?

The senior partner also criticized her for her “quality over quantity” client service approach. “He's making me feel like a failure. I've lost my confidence, and now I'm even questioning—maybe I should change, and maybe I really am a bully.”

Mary felt powerless.

So did Steve. He was the head of a fast‐growing technology start‐up, and his team members’ repeated mistakes were like nails on a chalkboard to him. “I can't get them to be more careful and to follow through on their work plans,” he explained. He was getting impatient and would react, thinking, “They're lazy,” and also questioning, “Am I a bad leader?” He brought his irritation home to his wife, which he knew was unfair.¹

Mary and Steve were in situations that ...