Leading With Emotional Courage

CHAPTER 22SKILLFUL COMMUNICATION IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT: OUTSMART YOUR NEXT ANGRY OUTBURST

Robert and Howard had always gotten along well. They'd worked on several projects together and considered each other friends. So when Robert discovered that Howard held a strategy meeting and hadn't included him, he felt betrayed. He immediately shot off a text to Howard: “I can't believe you didn't include me in that meeting!”

Howard was in the middle of a client meeting when his phone pinged with a new text. Stealing a look at his phone, he felt a jumble of things: concern, anger, embarrassment, frustration, defensiveness. The text distracted Howard, and his meeting didn't go as well as he had hoped. His anger grew as he thought about the fact that in a meeting earlier that week, Robert didn't support an idea Howard proposed to Jane, their CEO, even though before the meeting he'd said he liked the idea. So as soon as Howard stepped out of his client meeting, he shot off a curt, though seemingly unrelated, reply to Robert: “I can't believe you left me hanging in our meeting with Jane.”

Two little texts – a sentence each – managed to upset a relationship that had been good for years. It took Robert and Howard weeks to be collegial again, and even then they felt the damage linger.

There are so many lessons in this brief but havoc-wreaking exchange. Some are easy: Don't text when you're angry. Ever. In fact, don't communicate in the clutch of any strong negative feeling. Most of us ...