Introduction: Why Jay Leno Hates You

Some of my favorite stories are about belly buttons. I don’t know when I developed this strange affinity for the little hole in my stomach, but I can’t deny that a little wave of pleasure passes through me each time my beautiful wife Pat sticks one of her tiny fingers in there. My eyes roll back in my head and I let out a giggle like some sort of white Bill Cosby or a Jewish Pillsbury Doughboy.

That being said, a few weeks ago, I found myself crammed between two large, fat, sweaty people on the N train between Long Island City, current home of Troma Entertainment, and Manhattan, current home of me and Jon Gosselin. It was about 6 PM and there was not a whole lot of room to wiggle on this particular train. ...

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