The Mac & Cheese Millionaire

16DisciplineOn Spanking, Cages, and All the Weird Ways We Punish People

“If you’re going to do something wrong, do it big, because the punishment is the same either way.”

—Jayne Mansfield

I grew up in the ’80s, when spanking was a thing. I’m not talking about the kinky sexual kind—I’m talking the Catholic nun in the little red schoolhouse kind (although, now that I’m writing that, it sounds a bit kinky too). The flavor of spanking I grew up with was a swift slap on the ass when I was out of line. Hand in the cookie jar when it shouldn’t be? Slap across the ass. You threw your brother’s homework in the garbage can? Slap across the ass. Today this is categorized as child abuse, but at the time it was just thought of as firm parenting.

While I was a well-behaved kid who wasn’t spanked very often, I do recall the last time it happened. I don’t remember what I did wrong, but I do remember the anger welling up inside me when my dad hit me. A blinding heat behind my eyes bubbled over, and I started punching my dad in his middle-aged man-gut. I couldn’t have been older than nine, but I unleashed my fists of fury all over his 220-pound frame. I remember the perplexed look on his face at this reversal of aggression. If he hit me back, we would actually be in a fist fight, and I could see him calculating that this was not an acceptable outcome. He grabbed my wrists, telling me to stop, and then slunk away down the hallway to his bedroom. He never hit me again.

Punishment is a ...