The Rules of Love

My mother always used to say this when I was a child, and for

some reason I assumed it meant that you shouldn’t go to bed angry

just in case one of you died in the night. Very over-dramatic of me

really, although I’ve known cases where it has happened. And

believe me, if your partner should ever leave this world abruptly

during the hours of darkness, the next few years of your life will be

hugely affected by the mood you went to bed in. Likewise, every

time you see them off at the door, it might be worth considering

how you’d feel if they never came back. Sorry, that’s very morbid. I

don’t mean you should fantasize miserably about it on a daily basis,

I just mean you should instinctively always part with them as if this

were the last time.

But this is also a much more mundane, everyday Rule, that doesn’t

require you to dwell blackly on such depressing things. Pretty

much all of us are either sulkers or exploders. So which are you?

And if you explode, do you get it all out of your system or do you

let it bubble away for hours or even days? We all have different

ways of dealing with irritation, frustration and anger, and the way

your partner copes with them will influence you too.

It’s not healthy to argue constantly in a relationship, but it isn’t nec-

essarily a bad thing to have the occasional row – within the

boundaries of grown-up behaviour. Rules Players never threaten or

become abusive, or fling out accusations just to hurt, or allow

themselves to come out with things they’ll regret later. But within

those limits, of course you’ll argue from time to time.

But this isn’t an argument with a colleague, or a sibling, or someone

at a call centre, or a motorist who’s just cut you up. This is an argu-

ment with the person you love most in all the world, so it’s a horrid

RULE 31

68

T H E R U L E S O F L O V E

Let not the sun go

down upon your wrath

thing to happen and you need to get it over with as quickly as pos-

sible. And the best way you can do that is to have an absolute Rule

that once it’s over, it’s over. Don’t go dredging it up again, or con-

tinue to sulk or bubble away.

You should be able to start each day afresh, and you can’t do that

unless you put your argument to bed along with yourselves. Of

course, big issues may need more discussion later, but that doesn’t

mean it has to be antagonistic, or that the bad feelings have to per-

sist along with the debate.

You need to be clear that you are not the kind of people who go

and sleep in the spare room (if you have one) because you’re sulk-

ing, or who grumpily turn your backs on each other in bed. That

sort of behaviour is for mediocre relationships, or worse. It’s not for

Rules relationships. The two of you are big enough to patch up any

differences at the end of each day, and to recognize that you love

each other too much to fall out over anything. And if your partner

hasn’t yet mastered the ability to swallow their pride and do it, then

it’s down to you. So how do you take that step and make sure that

things are resolved before bedtime? That’s easy. But you’ll need to

read the next Rule to find the answer.

RULE 31

69

R E L A T I O N S H I P R U L E S

I’M NOT SAYING YOU

SHOULD NEVER ROW

BECAUSE THAT’S

UNREALISTIC AND

PROBABLY UNHEALTHY