You Can Change Other People

CHAPTER 8BE YOUR OWN ALLY FIRST: FIND YOUR POSITIVE INTENT

After Ben complained to Dara about Ramona, Dara returned to her office to think. She's glad that she bit her tongue and didn't give in to either impulse. She didn't take Ben's side against Ramona, and she didn't criticize his leadership. She listened and empathized with his frustration, and then they moved on, talking about other things: their kids, vacation plans, the new wellness program.

But the truth is, Dara didn't really move on. She's annoyed with Ben and how he's handling the situation. She wants to help him, but she also recognizes that the judgments she's harboring could get in the way.

She's right.

When you want to help someone else change, how you show up is a game changer. You need to start with yourself. Thankfully, there's a process for that: body, mind, emotions, intent—in that order.

BODY

The best, easiest, and most tangible and impactful place to start with yourself is physically.

Scan your body. Are your shoulders tense? Is your jaw clenched? Allow your muscles to relax. Take a couple of slow, deep breaths. Feel what it is like to be in your body. Notice any strong emotions, especially negative ones, and try to release them with your out-breaths. Just picture them floating out of your body and into the air as you exhale. You don't need to block off 30 minutes and put on trance music and sit in lotus position. You can do all this in half a minute, wherever you are. In fact, the goal is to be where ...