You Can Change Other People

CHAPTER 13STAY ON TRACK: PITFALLS TO AVOID

Now that you know the “moves” to get permission, let's look at some pitfalls to avoid.

GETTING STUCK IN A COMPLAINT/EMPATHY LOOP

Receiving empathy feels good. Most people don't get to experience it all that often. So when you empathize with a complaint, or a negative emotion, you may trigger another complaint or statement of victimhood.

Don't:

HARLAN:	A number of people expressed concern to me about how you spoke to Ivy in the kickoff meeting.
ANGELO:	Did you know that she tried to go behind my back and pitch a radio campaign?
HARLAN:	I didn't know—I'm sorry.
ANGELO:	Yeah, thank you. She kneecaps me every chance she gets.
HARLAN:	You've been struggling with this for a while, sounds like.
ANGELO:	It's miserable working with her.
HARLAN:	You sound frustrated.
ANGELO:	Whatever I do, she either sabotages or tries to take credit.

Harlan's empathy (“I didn't know—I'm sorry.”) triggered more complaining. Harlan continued to empathize with each negative statement, eliciting more and more complaints without being helpful at all. Avoid the complaint/empathy loop by refusing to take the bait after the second complaint. Instead, pivot to problem solving.

Do:

ANGELO:	Yeah, thank you. She kneecaps me every chance she gets.
HARLAN:	Can I help you think through how to handle the situation to get a positive resolution—or at least one that doesn't leave you looking bad?

FORCING A YES

Here's the thing about asking for permission: You ...