You Can Change Other People

CHAPTER 18BECOME A SCIENTIST: THEY'RE NOT LEARNING FROM YOU; THEY'RE LEARNING WITH YOU

Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks's 2000 Year Old Man tells the story of how humans discovered God. First, they worshipped the leader of their tribe, a cruel and powerful man named Phil. “One day, Phil was hit by lightning. And we looked up, we said, ‘There's something bigger than Phil!’”

There's something bigger than your partner's problem. In Step 3, you're going to find out what.

Ben started out by complaining about Ramona. In his mind, she was the problem. By asking about Ben's energizing outcome, Dara helped him identify what he really wants: a high-performing team.

Now Dara will help Ben see Ramona's behavior, not simply as an obstacle, but as an opportunity to help him achieve the outcome he wants.

When you're at Step 3 with your partner, you want to get them to a point where they can honestly say, “Thank goodness for this problem! I thought it was a brick wall, but it turned out to be a door.”

So how do we get there?

First, circle back to the problem. Explore what's happening now and what your partner has already tried in their attempts to solve it. You have a couple of goals here. You want to continue to build empathy and connection, and you want to dig beneath their stories and interpretations to get to the data: the facts and details.

Then you'll search for hidden opportunities. You'll explore the potential upsides to the problem—how it might be positive, useful, or valuable. And you'll ...