You Can Change Other People

CHAPTER 26TASK 3: COMMIT TO THE PLAN: WHAT, HOW, AND WHEN?

Once your partner has chosen a plan of action, you're almost done. There's just one last bit: get them to commit to a specific, observable action by a deadline.

The two keys to this part of the process are commitment and accountability. By asking for specific actions on a specific timeline, you are asking them to make a commitment. But be careful not to do it in such a way that puts you in the role of hall monitor. They're not accountable to you. They're accountable to themselves.

Even if the person you're helping is your child, don't get drawn into acting like “the parent” at this point. You are not going to reward them for honoring their commitment or punish them for failing to do so. Do not shame them, nag them, or remind them about what they've committed to do. And don't express any doubt about whether they're going to do it.

Let's see how Dara gets Ben to commit without making him accountable to her.

DARA:

Great. So let's nail this down: what exactly are you going to do, and when?

BEN:

As soon as we finish here, I'll call Ramona and ask her to meet with me on Monday afternoon. In that meeting, I'll say what we talked about: that a lot of what she's been trying to do for the team is stuff that we need, and I recognize that I've reacted poorly to it, and I'd like her to have more impact on the team, not less. And then, if she's willing, I'll ask her to help me design a team meeting to kick off the process of reconciliation ...