10Communicate FOR: A Framework Focused on Relationships
Peace is not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it.
—Mahatma Gandhi
Lean on this framework when the relationship is more important than the actual conflict or achieving a particular outcome. Marshall Rosenberg's work on nonviolent communication is the bedrock of this conflict resolution approach. Don't expect to use Communicate FOR (Focused On Relationships) when you are shopping for a used car or negotiating the sale of your company!
The Communicate FOR framework has the potential to profoundly impact both personal and professional relationships because it (gently) forces us to confront our needs, and communicate them clearly and kindly.
Empathy is critical in how we respond to conflict. It requires us to focus full attention on the other person's message. Generating empathy requires that we give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. Yes, in Chapter 8 I suggested it was enough for you to bring curiosity to a challenging conversation. But Communicate FOR is a challenging framework that is more successful when you understand what others are experiencing. In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, “empathy calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.”1
This framework is helpful both for expressing yourself and understanding the feelings and needs of others. When someone communicates negatively with us, we have four options:
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