You Can Change Other People

CHAPTER 11HOW TO INITIATE THE CONVERSATION: DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?

The dialogues up to this point represent situations where the other person has given you an opening to ask for permission. Either they have asked for advice, or help, or complained about a problem verbally, or they have demonstrated unhappiness or struggled in a way that invited empathy.

But how can you get permission when you're the one initiating the conversation?

The simple answer is to lead with the punchline. And in this case, the punchline is your positive intention: what you want to achieve or get. Think back to the preparation you did in identifying your intention for the conversation (from Chapter 10). Request permission by leading with that outcome or value, using the following formula:

“Hey, do you have a minute to talk? I want ___________ [outcome or value]. I'd like to talk with you about what I think is getting in the way. Would you be willing to be in this conversation with me?”

Too often, we try to “soften the blow” or get to the point indirectly.

Don't:

BEN:	Hey, Ramona, do you have a minute?
RAMONA:	Yeah, sure.
BEN:	You did a great job setting up the dummy table for lifetime customer value.
RAMONA:	Thanks.
BEN:	[Awkwardly] I did want to mention one thing, though …
RAMONA:	[Heart starting to pound; face flushing] Yeah?

The understandable (but misguided) idea is that by starting with something positive, Ben has established rapport that will make it easier to talk about the problem. But ...