Elevating the Human Experience

Chapter 9Cultivating Love and Worth for Another

My experience is what I agree to attend to. Only those items I notice shape my mind.

—William James

Pay Attention to Love

If we are interested in something, we study it, we give it our attention, we try to learn more about it. We are this way too with people when we love. What we pay attention to grows. It is like the popular legend often attributed to the Cherokee or Lenape people about the story of the Two Wolves who are fighting as a metaphor for our internal conflicts between good and evil. The grandson asks his grandfather which of the two wolves will win the fight, to which his grandfather replies: “The one he feeds will win.” What we pay attention to grows. I've tried to pay attention to what it would look like if we were to love each other as worthy humans every day, particularly in the workplace, which can feel so bereft of love. I have also tried to ask myself how I would be, what I would say, and what I would do if I were to consciously grow to become a better ally to the people in my life.

The thing that the four types of ally—friend, mentor, sponsor, and benefactor—have in common is the willingness to pay attention to someone other than ourselves. Being on the receiving end of another's undivided attention feels great. Giving away your undivided attention to someone else also can feel great. Both make your heart feel full. That is why my philosophy of leadership is a philosophy of love, because what we pay attention ...