The Self-Care Mindset

CHAPTER 13Self‐Expression

“How do I ask for what I need?”

My parents and I were having breakfast, and I could tell my mom was getting increasingly upset about something. I wasn't sure what, and my teenage self was wondering if I had done something wrong. After a few more minutes of noticing her unease and sensing that her anger was clearly rising, I asked her what was going on. “Can't you see I need the jam!” she snapped, “My bread has nothing on it!” I looked at her in surprise. “Sorry, mom, I couldn't tell. Why don't you just ask me to pass the jam?”

We tend to think that other people can see or guess what we need, don't we? We can end up feeling that we don't matter, don't feel seen, respected, or cared about. And we carry that with us if we don't speak up and ask for what we need.

Speaking up is not easy. This is especially true for women. We've traditionally been taught that our role is to take care of others and that social setup is still running today in the undercurrent of our culture and at work. Sadly, in many countries across the world, this is still the role of the female. Coming from Denmark, where the conversation about equality was already flourishing when I was growing up, provided me with a different mindset. I'm privileged to have been raised in an environment where speaking up is much easier to consider and I was born to a dad who told me I'm equal from the word go. But even with these advantages, I have experienced the struggle to feel heard.

I was in ...