Leading With Emotional Courage

CHAPTER 14STAY OPEN: HOW TO REALLY LISTEN

One morning, my wife Eleanor woke up, turned over, and said, “I am not looking forward to this day.” I asked her why.

What came out is that we were at the start of the Jewish high-holy-day season (again), which means colder weather and three weeks of big social meals, long religious services, broken routines, and children out of school. Eleanor didn't grow up with these traditions, and they can be overwhelming.

Now, I run a management consulting company; problem solving is what I do. So it didn't take me long to jump in.

“Cold weather means ski season is about to start,” I said. “You love skiing. And these holiday meals are fun and filled with people you love – they'll make you feel better. And I'll be with you; you won't be alone with the kids. Also, you know, Jesus was Jewish, so it's kind of your tradition too.”

Even as I said it, I knew that last one was a reach. It became clear that I was making her feel worse and now she wasn't just sad, she was angry.

And when she got angry, I felt myself get angry too. And self-righteous. Here I am trying to help her and this is what I get?

But then I smartened up. I remembered that what I most want with Eleanor is connection. I want that even more than I want to appear smart or solve her problems. So, instead of giving in to my anger, which would have really blown things up, I leaned into curiosity.

That is to say, I shut up and listened.

When I did, I began to hear the real stuff, the things ...