Leading With Emotional Courage

CHAPTER 41BE WILLING TO FEEL THE HARD STUFF: WHY LEADERS MUST FEEL PAIN

I was on a plane, flying back to New York from California where I'd spent the week in Ann Bradney's intense leadership workshop I've referenced a few times in this book.

In the aisle across from me, a mother was sitting with her two daughters, one about five years old, the other about seven. I happened to look over as the mom was working with the younger daughter on a math problem. I listened for a moment and soon found it hard to breathe.

She was furious at the girl for not knowing the answers to her math problems: “Why don't you know that? What are you learning in school? All you do is watch TV!”

The little girl began to cry. When she did, her mom's fury escalated. She hammered on, through the girl's tears, with a word problem: “If you buy candy for $1.00 and a drink for $1.25, how much do you have to pay? Well? How much do you have to pay?” Her little girl turned her head away, sobbing.

At that point, I started to tear up too.

Mostly, I cried for the girl, but also for her mother. I don't know what pain this woman has felt in her life or what drives her anger. But I know it's not her child's inability to solve a math problem. And I would not be at all surprised if she'd endured similar treatment when she was her daughter's age.

I realized that I was also crying for my own mother, for myself, and for my children. When I was a child, I felt what that girl was feeling. And, as an adult, I have grown angry ...